Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
