the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize