i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
