I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
