note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
