i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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