1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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