you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
