I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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