I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
