I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
someone owes me an orgasm
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
