I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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