Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
