so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
