I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
