Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
