i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
