I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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