I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
