the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
