the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
