i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize