with your own penis?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
