I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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