Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
