My friends, they love my intelligence
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize