You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
