it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
