I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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