I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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