i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
