This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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