Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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