You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
