Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There r osticjed everywhere
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
