I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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