Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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