did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
