i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
