fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
