I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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