U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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