It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
