fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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