i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
