i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
