i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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