i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
