I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
did i just pee glitter
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize