I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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