apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
