I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
