i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
