I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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