Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
