i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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