Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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