I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
