i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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