Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
