There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
