All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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