It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
