First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
