Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Someone shattered a urinal.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
