just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
