Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
