today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
