So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
