fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I could fuck to npr.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
