Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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