I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
