I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
