"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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