I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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